I apologize in advance. This is going to be a rambling grammatical mess. I just need to write this all down and I really don't care about all the mistakes.
God is great all the time. I know this, but sometimes I forget this. Sometimes I forget this, and almost always, I take this for granted.
Lent will officially end in a little more than 24 hours. It's been a good lent. A really good lent. A great lent, in fact. I think I can say it has been my best lent since I came into the Church in 2004.
I haven't felt so close to Jesus in a very long time, and I've missed it. When I was coming into the Church, and for the first several years after I came into the Church, I could feel Him with me always. My heart was on fire for Him and it was like an intense spiritual high. He was constantly sending me consolations and signal graces. This didn't last forever though and although I know He is still always here, the extraordinary little things that blow me away seem to happen much more infrequently.
I've been questioning everything I am doing and have done as a mother for quite some time. I really don't want to ruin my kids and sometimes I feel like all I ever do is make the wrong choices. For the past couple of years I have been praying for Him to just let me know what He wants me to do. I have been asking Him to show me what He wants, because that is all I want. I only want to do what He wills for our family. I can never seem to discern His reply. During my holy hour on Tuesday I was trying to stop the litany of worries in my head and just listen, but I couldn't do it. Every time I would try to be silent and listen a new question would appear. I was frustrated. How can/could I figure out what He wills, if I can't/couldn't even shut up for one second so I could listen? I desperately wanted Him to just TELL me what He thinks.
Last night I realized that if I wanted to get to confession before Easter, it was going to have to be after the 6:30 Mass this morning. So, I woke up early, got out of bed, and headed off to Mass. I had taken the time to examine my conscience last night and my list included some heavy hitters that for the first time I was able to admit to myself and prepare to let go of. So, I was nervous.
Now, I have to say here that I have been begging God to melt the ice that I have built up around my heart for years, and he has been breaking through and chipping away all through lent. I have been feeling little bits and pieces of His love in a powerful way off and on all throughout this lent. Little bits and pieces are nice, but this morning He took a blowtorch to that puppy and melted an iceberg.
I was standing in the confession line when a dearly loved and familiar face approached me. We hugged and she asked me if she could pray for me. My heart said, "yes, yes, yes!" I nodded and silently worried if I was going to have time to go over my list one more time before my turn in the confessional. I did not need to worry.
This friend has gifts. She prays, and the Holy Spirit uses her to speak to people like me who are too deaf to hear Him. As she prayed, without having seen my list, or asking me what was on it, she pretty much went right down my litany of sins addressing almost every one, and heavily hitting upon the ones that hurt the most.
I stared at the Tabernacle, as tears flowed, thinking about how great God is. One time this same friend told me that He told her I was His spoiled little brat (said with a tender fatherly affection). As I am typing this I can't help but think about how true that is, and what a tender love He has for me, despite my spoiled brattiness. I am such a spoiled brat that I complained about not being able to hear Him and He brought me someone who would audibly relay the message. She literally answered all the questions that have been weighing most heavily on my heart, and she didn't have a clue what He had done through her. He amazes me.
I went into the confessional, already crying, and sobbed so hard I couldn't speak. Father was wonderful and gentle and I received loving and wise advise. I walked out, snot flying everywhere (literally, it was disgusting), and looked again at my love, hidden so humbly in the little golden box. I left the church, my heart bursting with love for His goodness and mercy, and reminded myself that I shouldn't be surprised because God truly is great, all the time, and sometimes He makes His goodness so obvious even I can see it through my "glass is always half-empty," spoiled brat, goggles.